Village cult now 'Out of control'

A cult who's headquarters are in the village of Horbury, Wakefield are 'out of control', claimed one of its own cult members.

Paul Thomas from Ilkley, who has been a cult member for two weeks and holds the title; The Supreme Commander of the universe as we know and understand it right now, said, "The people in this cult are not brainwashed, do not follow slavishly the whims and dictates of their leader and can leave whenever they want. In fact," he went on, "they can do what they want, when they want and with whoever they want as part of their rituals".

This is an interesting departure from typical cult behaviour. Ordinarily, cult members such as those that can be found in the stock exchange, are indoctrinated to follow one overriding idea (in this case money) and unquestioningly obey the wishes of a charismatic leader (a Profit). But in this new cult the followers themselves make up the rules as they go along, leave when they want to and question any ideas suggested by the cult's founder. The Cult of Culture as it is known, was founded last summer by the mysterious Ivor Tymchak, an artist and public speaker, known for his critical thinking skills. He says he got the idea to start the cult when a voice spoke to him as he was walking on the road to Dewsbury.

"It was the voice of Rod" said Ivor, "a friend of mine who was walking with me at the time. Rod said to me, "Ivor, why don't you start a cult?' So I have."

Very little is known about what goes on in the cult as, apparently, they make things up as they go along but what is known is that they believe the world will end in a few years time. "We don't see it so much as the world ending as starting afresh." mused the black hatted Ivor. "And when we say, 'world' we really mean 'consumerism' which, to most people alas, is the world ".

As the name suggests, the members are generally cultured people from all walks of life. Some are mind readers in their daytime jobs, others are consultants but they are all opposed to the monoculture of our current society and wish to do something about it. They think that we have become so dependant on the state and big corporations that when the end of the world arrives in a few years time no-one will have the necessary skills to make their own entertainment or organise a community. The cult is currently looking for 'culture disciples' to bring some kind of order to the group. Ivor explained, "We need designers to come up with ceremonial garments, musicians to compose songs and dances for rituals and theatre directors to stage manage those rituals. Imagine designing a new religion from scratch, that's the job we have before us. We're looking at all ideas. If people want to dance naked under a full moon as part of the rituals then so be it. It's about expanding our thinking here, not restricting it"."

We tried to get a statement from a figure in authority but were told no-one was available for comment. However we surmised they would have said something like this, 'These people are out of control and are a danger to conventional ideas. We advise people to steer clear of the cult and to continue following our orders'.

Nearly all major cultural phenomena develop from social upheaval just as Punk music emerged form the insanity of 'prog rock', but this cult has come about as a reaction to the exact opposite - social flattening due to the homogeneity of modern life. "Every town looks the same now, everyone wears the same designer clothes, plays the same computer games. Nobody thinks independently anymore. Our culture is shrinking, not growing." said Ivor.

Anyone interested in joining the cult can do so by logging onto www.tymchak.com. The first 100 people who register on the web-site can award themselves whatever title they wish although 'cult leader' and 'Grand Wizard of the Leeds Inquisition Special Service (paranormal)' are already taken.

"Most people have fancied the idea of belonging to a cult at some time or other but have been put off by the mind control and shoot-outs. Well now they can have some fun, choose their own fantasy and still wash their car on a Sunday morning if they choose to," concluded Ivor.