Smoking ban

On the 1st of July 2007, the government here introduced a smoking ban in all public places. I used to do a comedy routine about smoking so I thought I would reproduce it here. You can imagine the reaction this routine got in some comedy clubs where they didn’t let you in unless you were smoking.

A word of warning, if you are of a squeamish disposition, I advise you to quit reading now as I didn’t pull any punches in this routine.

” I heard a bloke on the radio say that you couldn’t invent a filthier habit than smoking if you tried. I thought, ‘I bet I could.’ So I came up with one. Let’s see if it is worse than smoking…

It’s a Saturday night in a town centre pub and a group of lads buy a round of drinks and sit down at a table. On the table, instead of an ash tray, is a adult sized glass potty. A bit later on in the evening one of our lads catches the eye of a rather fetching young girl and he gets excited about his chances of scoring. As a result he can feel a bowel movement coming on.

Well instead of having to go to the toilet and miss out on all the banter with his mates, with this new habit, he can go there and then in the potty. So he climbs onto the table, drops his trousers, squats down, and while still chatting with his mates and having a drink, he drops a log.

Now is that as bad as smoking?

Hmm, thinking about it, it’s not. You see, the steam rising from the freshly laid turd, doesn’t give you cancer.

Okay, it’s later on in the evening and the pub is busy now and another one of our lads is up on the table about to have a dump when there is a fracas near the table and an unfortunate bystander is jostled directly into the path of the falling turd – now is that as bad as smoking?

Not really. Because the turd, striking the back of the hand of this unfortunate lady, tumbling onto the table then rolling onto the floor will, at worst, only produce a warm slimy sensation and not a second degree burn. And the turd now lying on the floor, merely represents a slipping hazard and not a fire hazard.

Okay, it’s the end of the evening and the place is heaving. Everyone has made full and copious use of the potty’s and they are pilled high with every conceivable colour and texture of kak – some have the odd crisp packet neatly folded and stuffed into the centre of them – and the stink is indescribable!

Now is that as bad as smoking?

Well no, because you go out into the night air and the stink just evaporates. But with smoking, you go where the hell you like and the stink will cling to you like a sordid memory for days on end.

So no then, not as bad as smoking.

And this idea that smoking is cool, sophisticated and sexy; let’s apply this kudos to our new habit.

We’ll go back to our lad in the pub. He did score that evening and he’s on his second date. He really wants to impress this girl so he takes her to a sophisticated restaurant – soft lighting, pianist in the corner etc. He thinks ‘I know how to impress her. I’ll show her what a man of the world I am.’ So he leans over to her, gazes into her eyes seductively and murmurs casually, ‘Do you mind if I poo?’

‘No, of course not’ she says. ‘I don’t indulge myself, but you go ahead.’

So he climbs onto the table, strides over the main course which has just arrived, undoes his trousers, squats down in front of her and while gazing sexily into her eyes lays a huge cable. ‘This will impress her,’ he thinks.

Adolescents would invent a new fashion garment where an opening would be cut into the seat of their trousers so that they could strut up and down the street with a turd hanging out of their arse and them thinking ‘do I look cool or what!’”

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